You Are As Awake As You Will Ever Be

Adapted from a Meeting with John Sherman
Ojai, California - December 17, 2005

let me tell you in a nutshell
what I have to say
about this business of awakening
and enlightenment

you are
right now
in this moment
as awake as you will ever be

and that's true
no matter in what moment I say that

you are as awake as you will ever be

and that can either be received
as really good news
or really bad news

it's really good news
if you hear it
and if what you want
is to be awake

it's really bad news
for obvious reasons

I want to talk about the possibility
of it being really good news
if you receive it
if it really comes home to you
that what I'm saying is the literal truth
and not a metaphor for anything

then it's really good news
if it turns out
that what you really want
is to be awake

but I don't think that's true

I think certainly
by the time we have gotten this far in our lives
this far in the play
that is the unfolding novel of my life
gotten this far
that I am in this meeting
rather than in the neighborhood tavern
for example

it's certainly true that
if I have come this far
it must be because
I am convinced
that what I really want
is to be awake
enlightened
self-realized
and so forth

but it's my sense
and my experience
that this wanting to be awake
is just one more
in a long train of things
that we have wanted to be

we have wanted to be
rich
powerful
loved
right

above all
underlying all
right

smart
educated

we have wanted to have understanding

we have wanted to be the one
who can get things done

we have wanted to be the one
who is comfortable in their life
at home in their life

we have wanted to be the one
who truly loved others

we have wanted to be the one
in a true
steady
and vibrant relationship
with somebody
or something
some community
somewhere

earlier in our life
we have wanted to be popular
wanted to be a hero
a heroine

there is no end to
the things we have wanted to be

now
we arrive at the stage
in which we have come to the conclusion

that all that other wanting
was to no avail
that is was false trails
and that we have finally hit upon
what it is we really want
which is to be awake

we have hit upon this
as the result of hearing
or reading
or getting the transmission
in one way or another
of stories from others who
we imagine to be awake

about their experiences
about their states
about the comfort and ease in their lives
about their clarity

generally it's other people writing about
those who are awake

but those about whom
all this writing and talking is done
tell always the same thing

you are as awake now as you will ever be
you have never been asleep
you are free

that we want something is for sure
our whole lives are driven
our every breath is taken
by virtue of this energy
that moves these bodies
that enlivens the senses
that causes the lungs to draw breath
and the heart to beat

this energy
which itself is
just wanting

it feels like wanting to live
but
again
here we are
alive
just as here we are
awake

so it's my experience
and my sense
always
that the reason we are miserable
the reason our lives don't satisfy
is really quite simple
and straightforward

it's because we are not getting what we want

and the reason
we are not getting what we want
is because
we don't know what we want

we hear about these things
from the time we are children

we hear about things that will satisfy
that will fulfill us

a good family
a good education

when we get to be adolescents
the mechanical engine of evolution kicks in
and then all we want is somebody sexual

and we think that's what we want

in truth
all that's happening
is the kicking in
of a mechanical
arbitrary
outcome of evolution

nothing we get satisfies
because nothing that we get
and nothing that we seek after
is truly what we want

that we want is certain

what we want
so far as I can tell

what satisfies
so far as I can tell

is the truth

just that
just the truth

about what?

so far as I can see
there is only one thing
we can know
the truth about

and that's about ourself
what we are

so far as I can tell
all we do throughout this life
is try
blindly
unconsciously
to satisfy
that single sacred desire
which is to know what I am

we do it by deciding

what I should not be
what I should be
what needs to be gotten rid of
what needs to be held on to
what I need to look like
what I need to think like
what I need to have
what I need to get rid of

all of this done
to no purpose
whatsoever
except to create
manifest
an acceptable self-definition

this is what I am
you don't know what I am
this is what I am

I am not what I want to be
I want to be something else

got to get rid of this
got to fix that
got to hang on to that

all of our relationships
are driven by this
deep
unacknowledged
need
to know the truth
of what I am

I am what I am
in relation to you
and you
and them
the enemies
the friends
the lovers

we seek after knowledge
for no reason
other than to find what I am

through understanding
through clear seeing

and all the while
the direction in which
this unconscious
and irresistible desire
is projected
is outward

on things
on ideas
on concepts
on my thoughts
on my emotions
on my body
on my beliefs

why I am good
why I am bad

this outward projection
of this desire
is caused by
the false belief
that I am
this mind
this body
these thoughts
these ideas

these good emotions
these bad emotions

these good desires
these bad desires

these good actions
these bad actions

mostly these thoughts
this endless stream of thoughts

which of course
is nothing more itself
than an endlessly unfolding story
about

what I am
what I was yesterday
what I can expect to be tomorrow

this belief is unseen
that's what makes it a belief

it's unnoticed
it's unquestioned

even when we
even when we arrive
at the pinnacle
of spiritual activity

and see clearly with our intellect
the inexistence of a separate being

see clearly with our intellect
the foolishness of all that we have been doing

still
our attention is devoted to

analysis
and interpretation
and understanding

of this unfolding story
about what I am

even if I hear
and accept
the announcement
that I am awake

still
my attention is on
the story
'I am awake'
rather than the reality
of what I am

always
we disregard the reality
of what we are
in favor of the story
about what we are

it has to be right
if I get that right
then I'll be right

from my point of view
all of our lives

from the first moment that we took birth

which is not
when we were expelled from the womb

but the first moment
when the blind
naked
sense
of being

separate
somebody
some thing

first arises
in our consciousness

from that moment on
everything that's done
is done about

the story
that continues to unfold

first without words
and then finally
with endless words

about what I am
what my shape is

where do I find resistance?
where do I find comfort?
where do I find warmth?

all the way through to the end

we don't know any better
there's no way in the world
we could know any better

there's no one there to tell us

there's no way
even if our parents
were finished with all stories
about what they are

there's no way in that moment
of the blind
unconscious almost
recognition of being

for them to say anything to us
that would stop us
from seeking definition
by my relationship

with the world
with my thoughts
with objects
with forms and colors and people
with ideas

nothing can be done about it
I don't see anything
that can be done about that

but there comes a moment
in the spiritual search
which is fundamentally no different
from the material search

truly there's no such thing
as spiritual life and worldly life

there's only life
there's only this wanting
and not getting

there's only this longing for fulfillment
and no fulfillment to be found
in the world
in the spirit
doesn't matter

but at least in the realm of the spirit
we are told
explicitly
from the very beginning
from the first contact
pretty much
with spiritual teachings
that the problem is
misidentification

we all know that word

that the problem is ego

it is a misidentification
with ego

somehow
the solution
that seems to spontaneously arise
to this announcement
is

LET'S KILL EGO!

that's the solution

to my mistaken belief
as to what I am

the solution is to kill
what I mistakenly believe
myself to be

the truth is

if this is true
that our only problem
that the only thing
that continues to plague us
that continues to torment us
that continues to leave us unfulfilled
in these lives
dissatisfied with our lives

if the only thing
is a false belief
about what I am

the thoughts
the mind
the body
and so forth

then the only solution
is to find the truth
of what I am

directly
immediately

and how hard can that be?

the truth is

I can't get away from myself

the truth is

there is absolutely
no possible way
that I can escape from myself

there's no way
that I can be rid of
this certainty of me

try though I might

so what's so hard about it?

the only thing that's hard about it
is the deeply ingrained
entrenched
strong
habit

of following the belief
that I am the story
that I am the thoughts

and continuing to disregard
this undeniable
obvious
self-evident
unchanging
presence

in favor of
thoughts
and emotions
and ideas
and story lines
and memories
and expectations

a habit to do that
that's all it is
it's a habit

in one second
in one instant
in this moment

it is absolutely possible
to know
certainly
what I am

I cannot ever say what I am
I cannot ever think what I am
but that I am
is certain
absolute
unchanging
here

of course
in the story
the outcome of self-inquiry
which is the name by which
this decision
to just for one moment
disregard
what I have given
all
my regard to

the thoughts
the story
the body
and so forth

in favor of
this presence
that I have disregarded

that disregarding
of what I have always paid attention to
and directing the totality
of my regard
to this that I am

the outcome of that
must be
awakening

but you are already awake
you see

what it means to be awake
is that the story will get all fixed

but you are already awake
don't you see?

with the story just as it is

and
if I am awake
then
thoughts will vanish

but you are already awake
you see

thoughts or no thoughts

and if I am awake
then
my mind will be
everything

I will see it all

clarity will prevail

but you are already awake

so this self-inquiry business
cannot be
a means to an end

a means whereby
my fantasy
about what being awake
is attained

this business of self-inquiry
if what I'm saying
has any truth to it
is
again
what we have been doing all our life

it's all we do

we try to figure out

what am I?

so that the only outcome
of the actual
direct
immediate
tasting of

what I am

is more
direct
immediate
tasting
of what I am

it has nothing to do
with the story at all

it turns out
the story
that I thought was about me
is about
nothing

so the story
is
or is not
affected

by my
disengagement
from it

or my disregard of it

it is nothing at all like
dissociation
or even detachment

just disregard

if what I'm saying is true
then the outcome
of successful self-inquiry

the success
of seeing
what I have always wanted

which is to know what I am

the outcome of that is
more
of the same

if I find
where the water is
that quenches my thirst
then
why wouldn't I keep going back
to the well?

it's what I do anyway

only now
I know where to go

and then self-inquiry
is
like breath

we don't have to think
when we draw breath

we don't have to think
when we expel breath

we just breathe

just like we have always done self-inquiry
except with the added element of torment

so what we get from the self-inquiry
that points us to
what we're really looking for

is just fulfillment

just an end to this wheel
of wanting
and not getting

that's all

no change in the story

no sudden enlightenment
no sudden blaze of glory

there may be a blaze of glory
or not

but the blaze of glory
will burn out

and just as well
because

if the blaze of glory were permanent
what would it be?

ordinary
just like you

here
all the time

ever present
ever shining

so this is the offering
this is all there is to it

just this suggestion

that maybe we don't really know
what it is we do want

maybe what we really want
and have always wanted
and have always been trying to get

is the truth about what we are

maybe that is easier
than we ever imagined

it doesn't require anything

except just one second
of allowing your regard
to open
and relax
and take in

this limitless background

that is so ordinary
we have deliberately
disregarded it
for all of our lives

not because I will discover
that I am immortal consciousness

maybe I am
maybe I am not

just so that I will discover
the truth
of what I actually am

here and now

prior to any thoughts about it
prior to any story about it

what I am
directly
no name
no story

© 2008 John Sherman. All rights reserved.