Adapted from A Meeting with John Sherman
Nevada City, California on March 4, 2006
We spend our lives trying to figure out what our actual nature is, but we do so unconsciously and without direction. From the time we are children, we are desperately seeking to cobble together some understanding of what I am, in terms of what I have come to understand is a satisfactory thing for me to be. These ideas of what is a satisfactory thing for me to be can be spiritual, psychological, philosophical or political in nature. We are endlessly trying to become something that will be satisfactory. Something that satisfies my ideas of what I should be, whether those ideas have to do with what I should get, what my position in life should be, what my material circumstances should be or ideas of what is right or wrong for me to be. Mostly, they are a mishmash of all of these things and they are endless shifting and changing, as our understanding of ourselves and our relationship to the world shifts and changes.
We are remarkably unsuccessful in this endeavor. The reason we are so unsuccessful is because we are looking, as the essential conglomeration that I am, to this ever-unfolding story of me. The story of what I am, who I am in a relationship to, how I treat people, what I want to be or don't want to be, what I want to get, what I want to get rid of -- and these things are always changing. They change as we grow older. When we are children, they were one set of things; as we become adolescents, the spurt of hormonal input dramatically shifts our ideas of what we are and what we should be and what we should get. As we become better educated, we incorporate these things into the story of me -- the story of how I live up to these ideas, or how I fail to live up to these ideas, or what I have to do to get what I want to be.
At some point, we may experience a shift in the very core of what we think is true and right, and good to look for. We may stumble into some religious ideas, and we may become enthusiastically religious. We may later on shift again into a rejection of what we have come to see as a somewhat infantile religiosity, and move into more adult and intelligent spirituality. Most of the ideas we receive about spirituality might come from the East through Buddhism, Hinduism, Advaita Vedanta, etc. These teachings come from the utterances of those great beings who, in the past, have stumbled upon the possibility of a spiritual solution, and have had spontaneous spiritual experiences that moved them to try and explain and pass them on to others around them. These utterances enter our minds and shape our ideas of what we are and what we should be, and what we shouldn't be.
We bring the same old strategies and practices to this quest, which is actually the quest of all humanity: the discovery of what I am. We bring to this new level of the quest the same strategies and practices that have served us so poorly for all of our lives prior to our shift into spirituality. Practices that mostly consist in determining what is good, what serves the desire to become what I should be, and what is bad, what doesn't serve that purpose, what is wrong. We are limited in our practices and strategies to these two movements: I want this and I don't want that. I want relationship, love, understanding, goodness, sweetness, peace and honorable behavior. I want big spiritual experiences, I want emptiness of mind. I want eternal consciousness, immortality and eternity. I don't want loneliness, longing, lust, greed, hate, contraction, constriction and selfishness. The things that I have identified to be the ones that don't serve this quest to be what I want to be or should be, I want to get rid of; and for that purpose, I bring to bear the same practices that I have used in the past: denial, aggression, self-hatred, self-betrayal, lying and dishonesty.
These are exactly the same practices I engage in order to get rid of the states I don't want to be here. And thus I stay on the same old wheel: I want this and I don't want that. I cannot be a truly spiritual person when I am aware of the rising within me of this attraction to things, of this wanting to get things and keep them for myself, or to get rid of you and your foolishness. I can't be what I want to be (and know I should be, if I am to find salvation) if I have these experiences of greed, lust, contraction, selfishness and so forth. These things must go. Either they have to be denied or they have to be killed off. And, of course, one of my most prevalent practices is the practice of projection -- the same practice that I have always used in order to deal with the negative things I see in myself. If I feel within me hatred for anything, and I know that it is wrong to hate, then I project that hate on you. It is much easier to project it on you.
It is easy to see that there is at least one fundamental insight at the core of all of the spiritual teachings and practices that we have fallen in love with. But we by and large ignore it, maybe because it is just too simple and it eliminates all the value of the work on myself -- the therapeutic work, spiritual work, political work, etc. This insight is that the root cause of all suffering in humanity, all the misery, hatred, aggression, bloodshed and enslavement is a misunderstanding of what I am. The cause of all human suffering is a false belief about what I am. In other words, I believe myself to be this mind, this story, this ever-unfolding, ever-shifting changing story of me. That is what I believe myself to be, and it is upon this that I project and reflect all of my aggression, and all of my movement of acquisition, in a constant effort to fix this story.
All true spiritual teachings hold this to be the core insight of spiritual understanding. From this core insight arises everything else in the spiritual world, and the whole weight of spiritual practice, whose goal is either explicitly or implicitly, to correct this misunderstanding. In Tibetan Buddhism, this takes the form of meditation practices that are designed to quiet the mind, and in the quieting of the mind, to provide the opportunity to see that mind itself, this that I have believed myself to be, is an object that appears and disappears within me. All of Tibetan Buddhist spiritual practice is founded upon that. The Buddhists, for the most part, keep hidden from us the real purpose of these practices, and they keep it hidden from us, as they have told me, out of compassion, because they don't think humanity is ready for it.
In iterations of this Buddhist meditation practice, as well as in other spiritual meditative practices, there has arisen this idea that ego-identification is evil; therefore it must be rooted out. This is not so far from the truth, but this is an indirect approach rather than a direct one. The ego is seen to be the problem and it must be destroyed and eliminated. What is needed is an "empty mind," free of ego. So, we get busy trying to kill off ego -- and we inevitably fail. No one has ever succeeded in killing off ego.
It is undeniable that we owe a great deal to spiritual traditions such as Zen, Chen Buddhism, spiritual philosophy, and many others, because if it were not for them we wouldn't even had heard the possibility of freedom. But they all approach this issue from the standpoint that the problem is that which I falsely believe myself to be. The problem is there, and that is no different from what I have been doing all along -- trying to do something about this story of me. Trying to fix it, get rid of it, clean it up, transcend it, transform it or do something about it.
The ancient practice of Self-Inquiry itself has its own indirectness to it, and it has spawned numerous off-shoots, one of which is most commonly known as "neti-neti," which is, once again, the investigation into the story of "me" in order to see that I am not that. Neti-neti means "not that, not that." Well, this practice can go on forever! Truly, there is no end to the things that I am not, so this is again the same indirect approach that characterizes pretty much all spiritual practices. It is doing something about the story, doing something about this that I believe myself to be; doing something about my relationship with it.
Into this cloud, comes this sixteen year old boy who stumbled upon the reality of what he was, before his mind had the chance to become rigidly indoctrinated by the understandings and practices that inevitably surround the arising of a true insight into reality. He just stumbled upon it. The stories about how he woke up are probably more or less accurate, but they are really beside the point. We all have stories about the foolish ways in which we found reality. Ramana's story is no more or less foolish than any other story: he thought he was going to die; he was stricken by the terror of death.
Of course, these are the kinds of stories that we love, because they are so filled with spiritual drama. But really, at the heart of it, what happened was that he just stumbled upon reality. And he was so dumbfounded by it, that he escaped from his life and went into seclusion. He wouldn't speak to anybody; he didn't know what to say. And then, after twelve years of private investigation, which involved reading the insights from the past and seeing the truth of the methods that were suggested such as self-inquiry, he begins to speak, and he tells us what had occurred to him.
In the tradition in which he appears, the goal is called self-realization. It is no different a goal than the goal called "enlightenment" or "awakening." And Ramana makes this profoundly incomprehensible assertion, which we for the most part ignore, but which is at the very heart of his teaching: "The only thing standing between you and self-realization is the belief that you are not already fully realized." In other words, the source of all human suffering, of all misery and seeking is a false belief about what I am.
He further tells us that anything we do is okay. There is nothing you are doing, be it your spiritual practices, your material practices, your therapeutic practices, or any other practices that you are engaged in, that is any problem. They are not the problem. He doesn't tell us to abandon all of our practices and take on this new practice. He tells us that nothing you are doing in the story of you is a problem at all; you may continue doing it if you choose or stop doing it, if you don't want to do it. They are not the problem. The only problem is this false belief about what you are; the belief that you are the one engaging in these practices, whether material or spiritual. Therefore, he tells us, "The only solution is to find out what you really are."
This is so hard to hear. It is so simple and it is so hard to hear. The only thing that causes distress, suffering and misery in you is the false belief that you are the one trying to do something about the distress, the suffering and the misery in you or in the world. Nothing you are doing is a problem. Nothing you are doing is causing trouble. The only thing that causes the trouble is your belief that you are the one doing all of that. Therefore, the only solution is to find out directly what you are. This is the only thing that will eradicate the false belief, which is truly the only problem.
In the absence of this false belief, who knows what will happen in the story of you? What I do know is that, as this false belief fades away, life is revealed to be sweet and easy. Not that anything changes about what you are doing or what you are not doing; not that mind suddenly ceases to exist, or thought goes away; not that the movement of desire and aversion ever ceases. What ceases is the false belief that you are those things.
Nothing else helps. No matter what we do, and no matter what incremental and transient changes may come from what we do, always what returns is misery and dissatisfaction. That is what characterizes us as human beings: misery and dissatisfaction. Nothing we have done has changed that. We have been in this business now for fifty, sixty thousand years. We have tried everything. We have tried religion, economics, politics, therapy, philosophy, warfare, peace, passiveness and aggression. We have tried it all, and nothing has changed. It is still the same old, same old. Here, it might be the same old same old pretending to be capitalism; there, it might be the same old same old pretending to be Islam; there, it might be pretending to be Christianity, and over there it might be pretending to be Buddhism and spiritual practice, but it is still the same old same old. It is "me" trying to be something that will be satisfactory. It is "me" believing myself to be this "story of me." Nothing works.
There is only one thing that works, and that is the immediate, direct, unmediated discovery of the reality of what I am, the direct experience of my actual nature. That is all that eliminates the false belief. You cannot kill off a false belief, and you cannot replace it with a new belief -- that doesn't work. If I discover what I am and know it with absolute certainty, the false belief withers and dies, and life is revealed to be free and sweet, easy, open, uncomplicated.
The basic insight of Ramana Maharshi's presentation of Self-Inquiry is the practical possibility of eradicating a false idea by discovering the truth. It seems simple and obvious. It is absolutely easy because the actual truth of the matter is that we all already know the truth of what we are. There has never been a moment in these lives when we have not been absolutely in the certainty of the truth of what we are. The false belief drives us to ignore what we already know, to deny it, to find something more dramatic, something more spiritual. But we already know it, so the outcome of practical self-inquiry is actually the discovery of this permanent knowing that is always here. And how is this self-inquiry done?
It is popular in spiritual circles to speak of these things as if there is nothing that can be done, and no way to explain it: "Oh, it's a mystery; it will get me when it gets me. Somebody will transmit something to me, and my mind will be destroyed and the truth will dawn." But this can't be so. The only characteristic of reality that all agree upon is that reality is permanent. It is not new. It is not the dawning of some new experience of open-heartedness and oceanic consciousness, because if the experience that is here now was not here five minutes ago, the one thing we can be certain of is that it will not be here sometime in the future. So it is not permanent. Reality is permanent and that is what you are: you are precisely this permanence. You are here; you know you are here. This knowing that you are here never changes. This certainty of your presence never leaves, always you know this and nothing else: I am here -- I am -- I exist.
This knowing is prior even to the story about it, which takes the form "I know I am here." This story is a story about what is here. This knowing is prior even to the story about it that is the single word "I". All thought is about you. The one thought "I" is about you. It is not you, it is about you. No matter what else is going on, there is this presence that you are, this certainty that you are. How hard is it to just taste that? How hard can that be? It doesn't take preparation, it doesn't take training; it doesn't take some special visitation by a saint or a guru. How hard can it be to just, deliberately and consciously, move your attention to this that makes it absolutely certain that you are -- just for a second? What is it to be here? It has nothing to do with thought. Thought appears within you. What are you in this moment? Has that changed? Is there anything new here? New is thought, experience, motion. You have never been absent. You can never appear or disappear. What does that feel like? What is the feeling of it?
This movement of intention and attention to the direct conscious experience of this permanent presence that you are is Self-Inquiry. Now, since we are accustomed to the idea that we are the story, even in the touching of this permanent reality, the addiction and the habituation remain. They are part of the story. And since we are so deeply addicted and habituated to this idea, it is to be expected that in the split second after the direct tasting of this that you are, attention and intention will move back into the story, looking for some confirmation that what you have seen is true. That's okay. This addiction, this habituation has been going on for a very long time, and it has an enormous momentum behind it. It is not a problem. The problem is the false belief. The solution to the problem is the direct investigation into the reality of what I am, repeatedly.
Of course, this is something that can be turned into a basis for making a judgment about me: "Oh my God! I can't do it. Yes, I taste it, but here I am back in the story again, I am hopeless and lost." All that is required is that, whenever it occurs to you, you intentionally move your attention to taste this, just for a second. If you will do this, whenever it occurs to you, it will occur to you more and more often as time goes on. The times when you are lost in the story are irrelevant; the length of time it takes between one movement of self-inquiry and the next is irrelevant. If you do this, it will occur to you more and more often. And if you will do this whenever it occurs to you, repeatedly, not looking for some instant change in the story, this intentional movement of attention toward what it feels like to be you will, over time, dissolve the false belief. It may be that you won't even notice that it happens, but it will happen. The time will come when you will say, "Wow, life is pretty easy, life is sweet, life is good." Whenever you can, whenever it occurs to you, just do this: move your attention to what it is to be, what it feel like to be.
It is not to be expected that the karmic momentum of the story will cease, although that is what we usually are looking for. We look for it to be reflected in the story. That is obviously foolish, since the story continues on its own, as it will. Karma means "action." And self-inquiry is an action -- it is something you are doing. And like all action, it has consequence in the story. But the consequence of self-inquiry is the gradual washing away of all consequence, a gradual washing away of the incessant love affair with the story of me. The consequence of Self-Inquiry is the gradual dissolution of the false belief about what I am, the gradual loss of your entanglement with this story. This is what is reported by all who have done it.
Sometimes the proximate consequence of self-inquiry can be the seeming eruption of very powerful experiential arisings. It does not seem to happen to everybody, but for some, the practice of self-inquiry can trigger the arising of very powerful spiritual experiences, which you are free to fall in love with and try to hold onto and try to get back. The longer you do that, of course, the longer you will suffer. You are also free to, whenever it occurs to you, bring your attention back to this reality of what you are -- without regard to anything you have done or not done.
A consequence of the repeated practice of self-inquiry can also be the arising of very powerful negative experiences, as the death grip with which you have held onto and tried to control your negative inclinations, your aggressive tendencies and your self-hatred loosens. It may be that there are very powerful and dramatic negative experiences that arise and take you by surprise. This isn't true of all, but it is true for some. You are free to try to kill them off, get rid of them, deny them or project them. It won't do you any more good than it ever has, but it is okay. And, of course, you are also free to, whenever the idea occurs to you, bring your attention back to the reality of what you are. If you do that, without regard to anything that is happening in your story, if you do that repeatedly, whenever possible, in the words of Ramana, "All will be well." In time, all will be taken care of.
So what I want most for all to get is this offering of Ramana Maharshi, which is the possibility of eradicating the false belief about what I am and the only really effective way to do that, which is to discover the truth of what I am. This is absolutely everybody's birthright. It is your birthright. It doesn't take anything other than your determination to know the truth of what you are. Nothing else matters but the truth. Nothing you have accomplished, nothing you have failed to do, no horrible behaviors, no good behaviors, no saintliness, no wickedness -- none of that matters. Only truth matters. Only the time spent seeking the truth matters, nothing else.
© 2006 John Sherman. All rights reserved.
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