Dear John,

I may have finally found something resembling a focus in regards to what you talk about. It feels like you have helped me re-stumble upon my own reality.

I will spare you the details of the continued misery, for the description of that is all too familiar and probably, the longer the description the more its pointlessness. It so happened that I was listening to your podcast dtd Oct 10, 2009, that I heard something really useful and I'm gonna use this e-mail to try and say clearly what it is that I want to say.

So, as it happened yesterday, I was sitting idly, after a bout of desperately re-reading J Krishnamurti, googling spiritual questions, having an internal dialogue about the effectiveness of Jesus and the Buddha and all the exalted ones including Ramana, and on the effectiveness of scientific thought, listening to standard issue Advaita teachers on youtube, and generally wondering what I should do to end my misery and I wrote this to myself - "I am here. Writing this. The words seem to unfold. They are not interested in flourishes. They have a mind of their own. They seek simplicity. They want to know whats real. These words, they are my thoughts. They dont want to stop, for they seem to think that if they do, they will end forever.Not die. End forever." It goes on really, into an unfocused rant about not knowing what the problem is, not understanding, not grasping the truth, wanting silence, thoughts to stop etc.

And today there was beauty. You said that the inquiry is driven by the same energy as the seeking, that same energy of fearfulness. Ok, I thought, but how does that fit? That was when you went into the utter uselessness of Advaitic expression in the realm of inquiry. Of how people who had stumbled upon reality, but had no clue what had happened, were mistakenly imploring us to change our minds, to fix ourselves, so that we would have the same experience of fearlessness. Of course I'm paraphrasing, but the effect of your words when I really heard them was that the superegoic commentary as regards to the effect of the inquiry was exposed as nothing but confusion. The confusion that you so clearly say is a result of comparing what arises with what has been presented as the solution for millenia, including but not exclusively - advaita, religion, spirituality, psychology, and rational scientific thought.

The result was that I was now free to ignore the commentary (whatever form of expression it chose, from its endless repertoire) in favor of the first thing I ever heard you say on youtube (and that which blew my mind at that time) - that what I need to do was to bring this energy - this seemingly troublesome, fearful energy of seeking in DIRECT CONTACT with the reality of me - an ordinary me. The same me. And because the energy of seeking is blind to what it wants, it willingly moves to towards me when asked to. [Thats how I choose to explain why it seems easy. Need not be true]

I thank you for finally helping me spot the BS. I had all these questions for you, and all of them were tinged by what my seeking had taught me to expect as an outcome. Like - why am I not happy yet? why is there a wild knot in my stomach? why am I on the verge of panic? what is my relationship to you, to your teaching? why should I believe the vichara? why should I believe you when my thoughts havent stopped? I know you say enlightenment is off the table, but thats a teacher's trick isnt it? and on and on and on...

Now I see why I dont need to ask those, and more importantly, what is asked of me. The coolest result of this insight [sorry for using a spiritual word, but it fits nicely here] is that thinking is back on the cool list again. It sure feels like coming home. What a relief!

Why can't we arrive at this point directly? Why all this elaborate, ritualistic indulgence in pain?

Anyway, the 2 questions were rhetorical, and I dont know if you would have an idea why. Actually, when I think of it, it would be cool to know what your answer would be.

Thank you for the inquiry. John, your teaching is literally a one liner - about direct, unmediated contact, addressed to the same thing that seems to be the problem!! I am in wonder and immensely grateful.

Im gonna go now, and all I really want to do is re-stumble upon my reality.

I will let you know where this goes.

Love,

V.
New Bern, North Carolina
October 21, 2009

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