Dear John,

I was just listening in to the Wednesday online meeting. I realized that I have been out of the loop (so to speak) in regards to the meeting with you online.

Just to refresh your memory... My name is H***** and I live in Santa Cruz. The "chance" meeting you on the internet was stunning and I have little memory what happened per se. I do remember that the "seeker" died after 37+ years. (Muktananda and Adyashanti were my main in person teachers prior to the spiritual persona disappearing).

Anyway, I really did not know how to "look at myself" but since it was non-conceptual, it seemed to take up a life of its own and soon it was like I stopped doing it "on purpose" and found it was looking at me. I know that doesn't make sense but it seems in retrospect that the beginning practice morphed into a deeper, more palpable unknown that obviously was very present at all times. Howz that for a paradox? The unknown got more known... It doesn't make sense, but then things like that don't compute with words. But I think you will understand.

Six months back I went through a risky (rather experimental stage) heart procedure and realized somewhere in the unfolding of all that hoopla, that it was like a stunning, amazing adventure and in retrospect, fear never was a part of that successful "happening" for my heart and recovery, although there were plenty of WOW moments.

I had complications of the procedure that were life-threatening when I came home, but that too was just a daily one foot in front of another without much concern. It was then I started to wonder... "Hey, how is it that I had no concern, although there were many risks etc.?

So it was in retrospect that I realized, and it's still the case, that anxiety/fear as I used to know it in my life, seemed inconsequential or irrelevant. Even now, I wonder why its no biggy while I see people around me so tripped out about things that I think... How come I'm not worried? Should I be? Where did it go? Why can't I muster it up when obviously my finances are dire, my 80-year old body is showing signs of decline etc., etc.?

There are no answers for this UNLESS I trust the truth of my heart and that is... Humans were never meant to go around with this overlay of what we call fear. I am sure its a very strong energy that could still rise in my body. After all, it's consciousness conceptualized as "fear" which is a sensation in the body mind, BUT at this point Who Cares? And this is not a Advaita-schmita understanding.

Well, that's a lot of gibberish and I knew it would come out sounding like that, and would never have bothered you to write about it except the very, very deeply resonant statement you made at today's meeting that this is not about a happening for some person, BUT of ONE MIND (even capitalizing or using words seems stupid) but the thrill of the big picture and why you "show up" for us is a heart breaking/opening paradox of wonderful intensity in this being.

So, while I may "listen in" (or not) you will be assurred whatever this H***** thing is, it is unfolding in an amazing joy. Just to be alive one minute is astounding. Being Alive even if one were miserable would be so welcome in this unknown knowing that has erased who I thought I was.

Thank you in your part of destroying an entity that never was. She thought she was a human being named H*****. Heh heh heh heh...

I am not going to re-read this or I probably would not send it, but my heart tells me you can read between the lines. Thank you for showing up for this one called H*****. Happening happens. Yippy Skippy.

Your closing statement struck home and I realized that even though words would not be able to communicate to you what has happened to me, you mentioned that you did like to hear from people who have been consciously doing what you called "looking at yourself".

Much Love to you and Carla. I suspect you enjoy beng Alive too.

H.

January 27, 2010
Santa Cruz, California

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