John,

First of all I must say what I have heard from so many that speak with you in your satsangs, thank you with all my being for offering the most crystal clear communication of truth I have ever heard in my life. Your willingness to share and the precision with which you do so, carried out from a place of absolute giving is incredible and gratefully received.

I would genuinely appreciate the opportunity to speak with you one on one. I will try summarize as briefly as possible where I'm at in my tasting of who I am.

I was a "christian" for most of my life (age 11-44 or so), getting very deep into the metaphysical aspects from the age of 30 on. I dove in deep, shunned the structured church world, explored deeply the writings of Watchman Nee, the Apostle Paul, others who were into the "Universal Reconciliation" slant of christianity. I lived for about 7 years in an almost perpetual state of panic about "hell" and my inability to escape that, even though I considered myself as surrendered and true devotee of Jesus Christ that could possibly exist. I spent hours per day praying, reading the bible, scouring the writings of Watchman Nee and Oswald Chambers desperate to find "the" answer to how to escape eternal torment.

I met my second wife in 1998 and together we explored our way out of the tormenting doctrine of eternal torment. Through the writings of Neale Donald Walsch (I read and re-read all 3 Conversations with God with ecstacy as I believed this to be a true communication for "God".) That lasted for a while but I gradually became completely detached from my christian roots, Neale Walsch roots, and just about any other belief I had conjured up in the course of my searching.

Still ravenous for truth, I spent time with a former Buddhist monk who taught me to meditate and I get pretty good at "not I". But I became quickly disenchanted with Buddhism no matter the slant on it from whomever.

I retreated in desperation back to the writings of the CWG series. For a day or two or a week or two I would find solace. Then deep depression (I can really relate to the hell you talked about after your time with Gangaji).

In 2000 turned my attention to Papaji. I read his 3 books as scripture for the next couple of years. I read all 1000 pages of the Truth is over and over and over trying desperately to "get it". I was temporarily comforted by his words. I called him my guru, I tried to surrender to him, lay at his feet. But, I could not sustain any comfort or "attain enlightenment" no matter how much I stayed in a place of quiet mind.

Next I went into a new age bookstore and found a little paperback of a compilation of satsang with Ramana. I found more clarity in his words, but some of what he said scared the hell out of me and sent me into the same panic I felt in christianity when my mind would play endless tricks of "there is no way to escape hell". One of Ramana's answers about surrendering to a guru stated that if one abandons ones guru then there is no alternative but hell. It invoked a panic attack in me that made me put the book away, never to look at it again.

So now I had no place to turn. I went to therapy, tried to quiet my mind and think that there really isn't a me to suffer and that I am, after all, God in a body and as such I have nothing to worry about. But that didn't work either.

Despite all else in my life, running a business, selling my business, trying to "retire" and devote my time to "spiritual" pursuits, no peace or answers to who I am could be found. I resolved myself to a place of thinking that this is just the way things are and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it but pump myself up occasionally with fixes of thinking that I'm really God and this is just a game of enjoyment in my imaginary story and that, after this life, I'll come back again in another body and recreate a new story to enjoy, etc. This would bring momentary relief but the underlying background noise of unsatisfactory remained.

I forgot to mention that Eckhart Tolle brought me some relief as well. It was while searching (during a time of particularly painful depression and agony) on Youtube for videos about Eckhart that I saw some of Ramana and then yours.

I listened and found immediate relief and hope in your message. I downloaded all your podcasts and have clung to every word, listening night after night to message after message.

I really get what you're saying. I have much fewer questions now.

But all that remains is the need for a hair more clarity on how to distinguish between the "you are here... right?" and the always switched on mind that is almost always thinking. I read from Ramana that the ego is an almost exact mirror image of the real us. So, when you say to look and see if we're here, I've been doing that a lot, but could use some clues as to whether what I'm sensing is just ego pretending that it's really me or if I've experienced what you describe as undeniable, reality, always present, that which we've always known, etc.

I would also like to come see you as soon as my schedule lines up and to be able to offer my help in the money department. I have been a successful businessman for years but have never owned that as any description of my identity. I have mainly considered myself a desperate spiritual seeker. In my story of myself I have had some success monetarily although temporarily I've had a few glitches, but am pulling out of that. I would like to share whatever flows to be able to offer some suggestions on drawing more money to help sustain your remarkable model of offering all you have for free. I have felt like part of my journey is to discover how to manifest money in a new paradigm, without the inherent drive of greed, fear, lack, etc. Perhaps something will appear that could help your organization.

Sorry for the great length but I guess I needed to say all this.

S.

Seattle, Washington    October 4, 2007

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