Paul, I know just what you mean. I watched my mom die a couple of years back and had that same feeling of being blessed. Ease is the main word I now use to characterize how I react to life's circumstances, no matter how compelling. Trimpi
Member
What a Great Thread
Paul, I know just what you mean. I watched my mom die a couple of years back and had that same feeling of being blessed. Ease is the main word I now use to characterize how I react to life's circumstances, no matter how compelling. Trimpi
Member
you're not alone
Dear Gail, Fred, and everyone,
Let me say how appreciate I am of all of your openness and rawness here, and how it makes me feel like I am human, surrounded by fellow humans, and not just some individual eff'ed up hopeless person who is going to soon enough be suffocated out of my miserable existence underneath the trampling of life. If I cannot add any other comfort, let me assure you that, no matter how pathetic or hopeless or afraid or wrong or anything negative you feel at times, I too have been these things at least as bad.
In another post I may report in more detain about my own experience now with The Looking, but let me relate a little bit here. While some sort of Looking may have began several months before this without me realizing it (I had been into Ramana and others), I started intentionally doing The Looking last August after discovering John Sherman, and I am confident that I succeeded in glimpsing myself by October 2011. (Though, as we all know, confidence is less than trustworthy in this business).
I had been dealing with depression and all sorts of negativities, hopelessness, searching for a reason to live, etc., for the last two years or so. But recently, with the assuaging effect that various spiritual pursuits can have sometimes, I had been doing much better. However, on December 7th, just a few months after starting this Looking, I entered a hell the likes of which I didn't know was possible. Nothing was wrong with my external life, but all of a sudden it was like every single fear and negative thought that had ever entered my mind in my entire life came all rushing up to me at once magnified times 10 and overwhelmed me.
I was literally drowning in a cesspool of fear, self-hatred, despair, and negativity. It was like my mind was trying as hard as it possibly could to follow every negative thought to its very end for the purpose of milking as much fear and suffering out of them as possible. It was all beyond my control. I've never experienced something like that before. That experience made it clear to me that there are forces at work here that are simply beyond me.
But I was thinking about it....why did this happen, randomly, all of a sudden, totally unprecedented and unprovoked? Why is every issue I've ever had, even ones I didn't know I had, zooming right into my face now? I doesn't make any damn sense......except as a consequence of The Looking. Maybe my mind and apparatus that has been sculpted to protect me from life and suppress everything threatening or whatever, maybe this whole system is crashing down and the defense mechanisms that used to shield me are now unable to stop the onslaught of the craziness. Maybe all of those issues are finally ready to be dealt with and let go of and put to bed, like nasty whining children that all decided to rush up at once rather than wait their turn. I can't imagine any other explanation, because I've never been like this before. Yes, anxiety and self-loathing had been stealthily growing and taking over, but this kind of insanity and helpless terror? No. Only the results of The Looking seem to be able to explain this.
Now that I am recovering from that horror, from that experience came clarity and insights and shifts of perspective that were entirely new and revolutionary for me. As contradictory as it may sound, I am now somehow more hopeful and free then I have been in many years. Something is just different, though it's too fresh for me to quite understand what. I am still very much not out of the woods yet, but just the fact that for the first time this this level of dramatic ridiculousness has occurred lends strong support (in my opinion) to corroborating what John is saying. In other words, there's no way these things would be happening if it weren't because of The Looking.
So I hope that offers some long-winded encouragement that, whether good or bad, something really does happen when we do this Looking.
With Love,
Gerrit
Member
Hello Gail,
Don't get discouraged by how long it took me. I had so much resistance for 40+ years and only started seeking about 15 years ago. I understand it is different for everyone. I also understand that trying to speed it up can actually get in the way and make it harder. In the end it is just going to be what it's going to be. And you are correct, what is the alternative?
I am encouraged by my results and that of so many others. I think the healing of the alienation from life in this lifetime is a practical goal for everyone who embarks on looking at themselves. Lera Jane
Member
Curiosity in Hell
Hello, Gail and everybody.
I've been doing the looking for 2 years now so I decided to join the show so to say.
Gail, first of all I want to thank you for your marvellous question. It is mine as well. I too am fond of demanding things from life and I am also blessed/cursed with a discerning mind. After 2 years of trying I am nowhere in this work. The sense of impending doom just never goes away. I really don't know how people are able to act and love knowing that everything is dust here. Knowing that everything will be taken away.
Concerning the looking an interesting thing happened with me a few days ago which is precisely an answer to your (and my) question. I saw that for 2 years I was mostly looking in the wrong direction. My confusion was due to my deep interest in spiritual teachings of the East. I am an addict in this regard :) I'd like to outline how I see the looking now using some analytical terms. I also hope to describe the nature of confusion that spiritual teachings bring into this work (John did this already somewhere but I'd like to elaborate).
This is what I think to be the case.
Every word (and therefore thought) we use in our ordinary daily life normally references some phenomenon in the world. For example, when you say "chair" you mean an ordinary type of object we all know and love :) In the same way when you say the word "me" you mean something quite ordinary and well known to you in your daily experience. It is what I call a sane reference. That is to say until you get acquainted with spiritual teachings. The later introduce terms like "Atman", "Consciousness", "Awareness" which don't have any reference in our daily experience. Therefore we go into the realms of fantasy here. Everything would be ok if it didn't "damage" our sense of self. When you hear something like "You are Consciousness" this sane reference to yourself (which I mentioned) is broken. You now tend to play with abstractions of yourself.
It is these subtle abstractions that the discerning mind is looking at when it tries to do the act of inward looking. There abstractions should be seen through.
When the ordinary sane reference to oneself is seen the looking is much easier to perform.
When even in Hell one sees the ordinary me-ness of oneself things tend to get curious.
I hope this is helpful.
Cheers,
Nick.
Member
Dear Everyone in This Thread,
I have been doing the Looking since last fall, and reading this thread this morning is exactly the medicine that I needed.
If I took the time to put each of your names here, and respond to each one of you, every response would be gratitude. Just gratitude and more gratitude.
For the last week or so, old programming and its accompanying pain has been arising -- lots of old stories. In the past, I would have tried to "do" something about it -- but now I am just allowing it to be there even though it hurts. And sometimes I get stuck in what I believe to be "my life." A whole litany of beliefs come up and I become immersed in a conversation about rights and wrongs. And then this morning I remembered to come here -- and I opened this thread, and I read what you beautiful human beings have written here. And I cried when I read what you wrote. I cried and I smiled and I started to feel better. I'm no longer alone.
And I don't feel alone in my pain any more. I can see the truth of what many of you are saying -- that these feelings are merely a phenomena that is occurring -- they are not me.
Here are some quotes from this thread that really helped me this morning: "The looking will eradicate that unseen and unknown misperception that you are your life. Then you can relax." ~ Trimpi
"I love that what I think about Looking at Myself can’t help me or hurt me, that thinking has no part in this. I have noticed over time that this very thinking mind is the one that created the barriers in the first place. (I can’t fault it for that. It was simply following my attention outward.)
"Realising that my life will never be sorted out, resolved, smooth. The lumpiness and difficulties are all part of it. This is very much *different* to spiritual ideas of surrender or acceptance. I can't put my finger on it, but it is more joyful and poignant than that. And, as someone here said, life will get me in the end, and yet I don't feel so 'at stake' in that." ~ Lera Jane (please excuse me if I attributed this incorrectly...I loved your words)
Thank you one and all,
Dawn
Member
Dear Dawn,
You letter is eloquent. I am so glad you remembered to come to the forum.
I believe the third quote belongs to Emma, not me. Having said that, I would like to share my feelings about attribution. (I’m sure there are others here that feel the same way.) Gratitude is gratefully received because, through it, we know the words fell on receptive ears. The message received is what we are all grateful for. And knowing that something said hit home improves our communication about this going-sane process. I liken communicating here to giving Reiki. (I am a Reiki Master.) When I give Reiki energy, I am not giving my personal energy but universal life force energy. The energy comes through me and it benefits me as well as the receiver. I receive benefit from writing on this forum the same way. If a thought arises here it is as much for me as anyone else. It comes through me, not from me. As John says, we are all in this together.
Thank you, Dawn, for your report. By sharing your conclusions that these feelings are merely a phenomena that is occurring -- they are not me, who knows how many other people you may touch.
Just keep Looking at Yourself. Lera Jane
Member
Hello to all,
So nice to read all the posts from everyone and thanks again for the encouraging words and intimate sharing.
I've realized after reading more in these forums and watching a few more retreat videos, what a real problem my intellect is, in that I have been so convinced that it will save me if I could just understand......I've spent an enormous amount of time and energy reading, studying, going to workshops, trying to understand so I can save myself (and maybe some others too).
It's a strange place to be, to realize this and feel that there is nowhere left to turn except for the act of the 'looking'. This seems still backed by the same hope of being saved for now.
One other thing that has affected me a year or so ago that seems to also point to this act and to want to follow through; is a couple of inspiring cases of NDE's (near death experiences) In both cases they describe the outcome of their experience almost exactly as John describe the natural state, 'you'. That it's you, that all has been clouded by fear of life, that they are completely in love with their lives and aliveness, no more interpreting through fear, that all the phenomenon still comes and goes, that nothing can actually harm you, that it's no big deal.....
I am more and more convinced that there is really nothing more for me to do in this 'truth searching' but the looking and it's just difficult because it SEEMS so ineffective, and my monstrous mind/intellect....perhaps even 'love affair' with my intellect hee hee, needs to just dismantle...
Guess I'll let go of my 'righteous indignation' about it all....
Love to all,
Gail
Member
the objective
dear gail,Originally Posted by GailH
my 2 cents:; also a kind of a report from me
"fear of life being snuffed out" is John's report of what happened to him as a result of the looking. there is no need to elevate this statement into an ideal state that must be desired for oneself.
the thing that can help us most in this looking is to be clear what the objective of the looking is. the objective is you (the direct unmediated experience of you). not the "snuffing out of fear", success or commitment or lack of demandingness or any of the million things we aspire to be, because they are ideas that come and go, and maybe thats not really the "you". remember also, the "desire to have a permanent feeling of me" is also not the same objective as "me" though it is cleverly disguised.our me-ness does not seem to have those characteristics.
will now speak in first person because it is easier to do so: the objective for me is to look at the feeling of being me, which is the same as the feeling of being here as me. ("I am here"). this is the easiest way to zero in or zoom in on the feeling of me. i gently remind myself that this feeling "i am here" has been there always even when my attention was not on it. this certainty comes from actually doing the looking. so when im reminded of it, i look AT it , not for it; because looking "for" it would imply that somehow the object of my search has been absent and I need to seek it. quite the contrary, I am always here. this is a very specific feeling of me-being-me-being-here and i look at me or I, because I have always been present (to me it sounds somewhat logical. as far as Im concerned, if i'm here always, then the sense of me-being-me is also always here; vice versa, if i always have the sense of me-being-me then im here as far as Im concerned)
it is easy to start having philosophical discussions about a million things, but I was attracted to John precisely because he gave specific instruction on what to do: look at yourself. 3 words. and I needed to know what to do because it seemed like my mind was searching like a madman for something. and it was a relief to know what I was looking for was me. what a mystery!
now if I start talking about the consequence of the looking: to ask someone else, to seek somewhere else to have an idea of what YOUR life should be like - is itself the main suffering. at least it was for me. this constant need to validate my life experience, my experience of being me. the best thing that will happen to you and this is in my case, is that you will feel less and less like asking a third person (even John) about what you feel like or what will happen next or is this the right way to feel about yourself, because you are always here, and you can "ask" that feeling directly to know first hand. the rest is all poetry, and has no resemblance to the poetry written by third persons. because ultimately others' poetry cannot be your experience.
to avoid heartache, the best thing would be to find a way to remind oneself regularly (though not obsessively; only when it occurs to you) of what the objective is ("me"), and what characteristics you are certain the target has (example, "here", "always here")
anyway, i am confident you will evolve your own method, because one look is enough.
beautiful question. i've been looking for 5 years, and it is only in the last few months or so that I seem to know what I am doing. I wouldnt have had your courage a couple of years ago to ask this.
I hope this helps.
good luck.
V.
Member
great
This is simply fantastic.
Thanks a lot for this.
Member
Dear Lera Jane, V, Gail and all,
Every time my life is feeling out of control, veering into so much uncomfortableness, I remember: Look. I often think, "I don't know what I'm doing" ... but I do it anyway. And then I notice the flash this look provides and I know I'm safe. And then I feel as if I am holding onto a raft that is plunging through unknown waters -- dropping down into deep caves and through really tight crevices and I hold on even harder and then remember: Look. Just Look. And again, I feel safe.
The pain is sometimes unbearable right here in my body, or when I am looking out ahead of me -- and that often reminds me too: Look.
All my life I've felt so unsafe...so unsure of my presence in it. And now, I can read your words to remind me, Just Look.
Today I was wondering as I walked down the stairs, is this just another one of the "wisdom teachings" that I am studying? Will I someday look back and see that I was fooling myself again with a mystery teaching that has now unraveled and opened to reveal that it is not what it appeared to be ... not the answer, not the one to finally crack the code on the Truth? I have wondered this with every single teaching I've studied over the past 40+ years, and I imagine that my mind will think this until it stops thinking entirely. But it is thinking it today.
And I think it was Gail who wrote about Reiki (thank you Gail for bringing this up, it is something I wanted to ask about) ... and when I read that I felt confused again. I've been a Reiki practitioner, along with many other types of healing methods for many years, and since I started the looking, I have stopped all of these. Someone called me recently to do an Egg Cleansing on them, and I thought I'd wait 'til they arrived to decide what the heck I'd do. My belief in these kinds of things used to be so strong, I believed I could change a person's reality along with my own, (and I believed that I often did) but it took a lot of energy and concentration and somehow now, I see that it felt as if I was stomping around my life putting out fires everywhere. Now I feel as if I don't have to try so hard to change what is. I feel as if none of it really matters so much, as if we are not so much at stake. No matter what I am experiencing, it is just experience, it does not really have so much importance, so much "do or die" effect on me.
So, anyway, I'm here. I'm looking. I'm so fulfilled to be a part of this community. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you. And I wish that I could get the Forum to email me when someone writes in it, b/c I have to remember to come back here to look all the time.
Well, maybe that's not such a bad thing, come to think of it.
Love to all,
Dawn
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