Report

[aabha]

I have been checking the forums regularly but have not posted on them. My experience, after looking for the first time, was ecstatic. After a while, the ups and downs of recovery began. And they were a pretty bumpy ride. I knew those things would pass and I just had to keep looking. So thats what I did. Meanwhile, doing whatever else I could do to mitigate the difficult periods.

For me, what I noticed, was a roller coaster effect. At times, something would seem to be resolved and then a period of more confusion would follow, they alternated and I swung between them. I wrote to John a short while ago, that I felt the fever had finally broken. The unfolding of this, whatever it is, continues. But there is a different tone to it.

Many of the things John has said were seen to be true. Not his truth, but my own experience. Some really huge blocks in my life, seem to have fallen away. My painful relationship with my father which I had tried to do everything to change but nothing had ever worked, has just changed totally. It just became simple, one day, without notice. I cannot attribute this to anything other than the looking.

I also seem to have forgotten how intense and difficult those periods of confusion used to be. Or before, how chaotic life seemed to be. I forget that it was not always the case, life was not always sweet. In fact, it seemed harsh and brutal and I did not want to keep living. It is so different now. There is still confusion at times, but it is not a problem.

Life seems to arise and fall in me, almost dream like, but also very vivid. Whatever the feeling or situation, it is interesting but not in the same way as before. Not as in , 'I am at stake in this'. It's interesting because it's life.

I could say much more, but I am not very good at articulating this. I have been watching the retreat videos and they have helped me to understand some of the new things emerging in my consciousness.

I am very grateful to John and Carla.
Much love

[lerajane]

I have been checking the forums regularly but have not posted on them...
I could say much more, but I am not very good at articulating this...
I am very grateful to John and Carla.
Much love

Actually, you express yourself beautifully. I would love to see more posts from you. As more of us write, this work grows. We never know when something coming through us will resonate with another. Lera Jane

[trimpi]

That's it exactly: the blocks fall away. And, if you have a mind to do so, you can start looking under the rocks and expose everything to the light of your consciousness. trimpi

[aabha]

Thanks Lerajane. I hope to contribute.

Trimpi, I find that everything is spontaneously happening. Things that have not been looked at are opening up to the light of consciousness. I find myself being so much more honest and open with everyone and everything. In relationships , this is been a good and a not so good thing. :) I find myself drawn to just saying the truth in the best way I can, whereas earlier there was a strong fear related to that.

How do relationships change in this new light? That is what I seem to be in the process of seeing now.

[Mike Helsher]

How do relationships change in this new light? That is what I seem to be in the process of seeing now.

I am absolutely amazed at how my relationships are changing. Pardon my colorful metaphor, but I haven't, in the past four years since I started trying to do what John asked, been able to even make myself get into the same old kind of fuck-me-fix-me psycho/spiritual relationships that were the norm, more or less, for the past 20 years. They were all based on what I could get: fertilized egg/satisfaction of unconscious bio-urge; reentering the unconscious bliss of mother's womb.... or get rid of: corporate indoctrination/rubber stamp industrial revolution education or any and all problems that other people had.

My sister came to visit me recently. We hadn't spoke much in the past ten years. She was still ranting and raving about mother and father issues and the 100 different books she'd read that can help deal with it all. I was surprised and dumbfounded by my lack of interest in talking about any of our family history. For some strange reason, none of it matters to me any more. My parents did the best they could. They were just people, like me and you. I have no feelings other than awe and respect for them now, which is quite a blessing considering all the work I did for decades trying to heal those primal relationships. It is as stupidly simple as John has said in the past: "It's the looking that does the work," but I think that idea comes to us all slowly, like the way our faces are--similar but different.

Much Love

Mike

[Directcontact]

Dear aabha,

Over time, you will answer your own question about relationships. And, even tho this may sound like a non-answer to your question, you will answer it for yourself -- but not in the way that we are used to getting the answers. In the world of duality, there are questions and answers -- but once the looking begins to evolve, you will most likely find that the questions themselves disappear. Even the questions about relationships with others ... with myself, these are all shifting for me. When I see these kinds of questions arise in me, I notice an open awareness in which they simply appear and disappear. No answer. No question.

Here's a quote I love:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.”


― Rainer Maria Rilke

with love,
Dawn

[Paul Freedman]

I have also noticed significant changes in relationships since engaging in the looking. To be honest, the changes have made life easier, in some ways, and more difficult, in other ways. The easier part has to do with just not feeling the need to try so damn hard to please people in general. I am less fearful and vigilant in work relationships and, in some ways, more honest and direct which I think people actually appreciate. I don't feel that I always have to be the "nice guy" with others which has been a central part of my character for most of my life.

The rub comes with feeling more sensitive to and irritated by the high volume of neurotic chatter that seems to be everywhere around me. it is grating. As a result of this I find I need more time to myself . In fact I am writing this from a beach that I have been sitting at, alone, for the past 3 hours. I used to come here to meditate ...to do some "serious practice". Thank god that has fallen away. Now I just come here to sit....read.....look at the water....and watch this amazing show.

I am drawn more to relationships where silence can also be part of the experience. I have also noticed that this okay-ness with silence can create more stress in family relationships. I can be perceived as being distant when, in fact, it is not my intent to be that way. That is difficult, at times, but I think people are getting used to that.

It is strange ....I feel more connected to life, people and everything ....but , at the same time, strangely cut off at times.............but I am not complaining.

Paul

[aabha]

Paul, you said there is the sense of not having to be vigilant. I feel like my filters are just gone! Everything is far more direct, the sense of being intimate with life. But also not at stake.

Dawn, I love the quote..

Mike, I have the same experience when talking to friends about issues. I am not at all interested in raking up old things. They dont matter anymore. And I find myself wondering why they ever mattered.

Its also interesting to see the personality that is emerging. Its so very different from before. Fearless really. Unconcerned about how she might appear, which was always such a big deal. That is wondrous and strange!

Much love to all,
Abha